Maybe I should not be posting when I feel the way I do right now. Is it the hormones talking or am I just human? I do not have anything encouraging to say, nothing profound, and yet, I feel as if I should record some feelings. Because one day when I look back I want to Praise the Lord that He got me through this time.
There is no major crisis going on, nothing horrible to report, not even anything significant. Do you know what is wrong? I’m hot, really hot, and there is nothing I can do to fix that. Every day I bump down dirt roads that are difficult to take during pregnancy. I go into to the village and have to handle someone telling me about a legitimate crisis in their life and at times I am speechless as to what to say to them. Most of the time I nod and listen and pray. I feel like I’m in the last week of my pregnancy, when technically, I have five weeks to go. I’m lonely, this is supposed to be a time of baby showers, family visits, hugs, SECURITY, help, and excitement. Instead, I find myself lonely, nervous, a little scared, poor, and weak.
What a big complainer I am. So far to my knowledge I am having a healthy baby, I am healthy, I have a healthy toddler, a supportive husband. So why all of these feelings? Why in the midst of this great adventure do I doubt at times? Why do I ask God why He thought I could “hack it” out here in the Belize Jungle? Why is EVERYTHING becoming too much of something? Oh, I don’t have the answer to that. Is my faith still so small? Has God not proven His care and protection to me enough for me to feel secure in everything?
So as I sit here and ponder these questions and think of the answers, maybe I could just blame it on the fact that I’m hot and pregnant, that would be easy, and a GREAT excuse. Or maybe this is another teaching and pruning session from the Lord.
“Oh Lord, don’t prune that leaf, I like it too much! Not that branch I use it too often!”
Ok, Lord, I am listening. What new things do I need to learn and relinquish before baby #2 arrives? More faith, more bible study, more of HIM, less of me. When everything becomes too much that is when I know I’ve held on too tightly to a life that is not mine, that I have no control over. God, save me from the sins of selfishness and pride.
Although, some things can just be explained by the simple fact that I’m pregnant, swollen, and dripping with sweat;-).