“God, why did you make me, me?”

Has anyone else asked God this question? I have. Until early December I was really struggling with God’s grace in my life. My sin nature would creep up on me and I would feel so down trodden by the fact that I had not yet mastered how to control it. From there I would ask questions to myself and God such as, “How can I be more perfect? How can I be more Holy?” God does call us to perfection and holiness in the bible, but I was concentrating on what I could do to fix the problem and not letting God do what he does best: lead and guide my life in that area.
I continued to get worse in my thinking. If I could not fully accept God’s grace in my life, how could I tell others about it? Was I even a Christian? Why did God make someone like me with so many faults and a particular sin nature? Did God choose to make me this way for a purpose? All of these thoughts came periodically and if you can imagine, distressed me greatly. How could I be a missionary and have these thoughts? I knew in my heart that I was a Christian, I knew in my mind that God gives me grace and mercy, but for some reason I was not feeling it.
In early December our colleagues, a husband and wife, from our mission board came to visit us. They oversee the Latin American region and came to have meetings and set our goals for the year. I reserved some time alone with Marcia to share my distress. Over coffee and a muffin I cried over what I had been experiencing for a long time. I felt so ashamed. After listening to me for a long time Marcia said, “Mel, you are a NORMAL woman, especially a normal missionary woman.” She explained that under the extreme amount of stress we have been under that doubting God’s sovereignty, His grace, my Christianity, happens because we are HUMAN. I felt slightly better but what was really healing for me was when she explained how God is my heavenly Father, and just like a kind earthly Father, He is not going to disown me for the wrong things I do, yet He is there patiently waiting to forgive me and be there for me when I suffer the consequences of my sin.
Should I continue sinning so that grace may abound? God Forbid! But I finally had a picture of how God feels towards me and how His grace DOES abound. There are times He is pleased with me, I am not always messing things up, no matter how I felt. It further has solidified in me that anything good in me comes from the Lord. I will ALWAYS have to fight my sin nature, but I can fight it with God’s grace by my side. I can fight knowing that if I mess up really bad, He is not going to turn his back on me. For nothing can separate us from the love of God.
I was thinking of this very thing about a week ago. For surly my sin nature reared it’s ugly head. and I asked God, “Why did you make me, me?” The Lord is silent on this with me because I know, He knows, I know. God’s grace is sufficient for me, His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
Thank you Lord for rebuilding this broken woman and using me how you see fit. And that is the beauty my friends, He still chooses to use me for Him and THAT IS GRACE!

Note: I have found that daily reading and studying His WORD is necessary to combat this type of thinking. If you are in a similar trap, there is no medicine equal to the Word of God.