Trading our Sorrow

February 28th- Malachi’s Diagnosis Day, which has made the whole month of February for the last three years a very pensive and sad month for me. In one thought I can be transported to the day of Malachi’s diagnosis and feel all the emotions of that day rush over me. The fluorescent lights in the examining room were too bright, my heart was thumping and my breath was shallow. I had to wait for thirty minutes in that room and I could not think. My mothers heart knew what I was about to hear: my beautiful, perfect baby boy was not physically perfect in medical terms. When I heard he had CP, I could not hear much of anything else, just the swooshing of water in my ears, I was in shock. I can tell you every step I made after that. I can tell you that I was incapable of crying about it for a year. I hid in a shroud of disappointment and sorrow, mourning his loss and what it would mean to him when he became aware of his limitations.

I still struggle. Very well meaning people have told me that at least I have a child who is alive, that he’s so darling and how lucky we are to have him. Implying that I have nothing to feel sorrow over. ALL of this is true. We are so blessed to have Miracle Malachi in our lives. But until you are a parent of a disabled child, you can not understand the sadness we feel at times, the ache. Watching Malachi struggle daily not just physically, but emotionally as well, is very overwhelming. Watching kids ignore him, wrenches my heart every time, and the Mom in me just wants to beg, “PLEASE PLAY WITH MY SON!”.

Even so, the time has come to trade our sorrows.  It’s been long enough. I don’t want to live in a shroud of sadness for my son any longer every February.  We want to live in a place of JOY.  Does this mean we will never be sad or wistful of what could have been and what we experience with him daily? No, we’re human, and some things are difficult to watch.  BUT I WILL NO LONGER ALLOW FEBRUARY TO DICTATE MY EMOTIONS.

We declare every February 28th to be a day of celebrating Malachi’s accomplishments. We are trading our sorrows for the joyful reflection of all God has done in Malachi’s life for the year. It will be a mini party of focusing on everything he CAN do rather than be mournful about what he can’t.

CONGRATULATIONS MALACHI! You can talk better, you are bilingual, you are stronger and on your way to sitting up, you know what it is to take steps, you can scoot around on a scooter, you can feed yourself better and put together a simple puzzle. You love GREATLY, laugh OFTEN, and pray FAITHFULLY. You are so loved by all that meet you, keep up the good work kid. We love you so very much.

2 Corithians 4:16-18: So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

First time I held Malachi in my arms.